When's your baby due?

This is something I have been asked since the sixth grade.
No joke.
The sixth grade.

I won't tell you the sixth grade story. Too old, too traumatizing. I think most firsts are.
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Three strikes you're out
When I was 16 or 17, I went to my family doctor with abdominal pain. The first thing they ask is the first day of my last period. I didn't know the day but knew it had been a couple of months before. I quickly informed them that there was no way I was pregnant. The nurse asked if I was sure. I was as sure as any virgin could be...except maybe Mary. Anyway, she put me in a room and sent in another nurse, one I had a good relationship with. She was supposed to be my friend. I could tell her anything. I was sorry to disappoint her, but I was still not pregnant. Frustrated, she went and got the doctor. She was my dad, mean and demanding. I must tell her and I must tell her now! My life depended on it!
I was fed up.
"Look, lady, I wasn't pregnant when the first lady asked me. I wasn't pregnant when the second lady asked me. Now you're asking me and I'm pretty sure I'm still not pregnant. There are only two ways I could be pregnant. I would either have had to have sex or immaculate conceptiong. I certainly have not had sex but if I start seeing angels, I'll let you know!"
She did a pregnancy test anyway.
Surprise, surprise. I wasn't pregnant.
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Never again
Many, many years ago, I went in for a bra fitting. As soon as the clerk and I got in the stall, I took my shirt off. She turned around and grabbed her cheeks all dramatically. "When's your baby due?" She was so happy for me...so happy she was clapping. Not known for thinking fast, I reply, "Never." Being so excited and knoweledgable, she declares, "Oh, it just seems like it when you are this far along." Still not thinking the fastest I simply tell her. "Never as in, I've never had sex." She stared at me mistified as I began to tear up. Acknowledgement suddenly struck her face and she began to cry in embarrassment. I then cried because I was a fat cow. I felt so guilty for making her cry that I bought the dang bra. It was over $60 and the most uncomfortable item of clothing I own.
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Here's your sign
Fast forward a couple years. I still have never had sex. I go to the ER because I pooped a lot of blood and, no pun intended, it scared the crap out of me. So I go in and the doctor lifts up my gown and pushes on my belly. For his credit, he didn't seem too sure of the english language, but I still have not forgiven him completely anyway. He asked how many kids I had. Maybe he just didn't hear me say none, because he just kept on squishing and talking. Staring at my belly, he declared that he guessed at least four but probably more. Now that I think of it, he may have not been very bright at all. Upon my rectal exam, he seemed really surprised to find blood inside me. Do that many people fake a bleeding butt to get felt up anally by doctors in the ER?
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The intervention
About this same time, I was about six or so months into water aerobics on the local air force base. My friend Peggy and I went three times a week. A group of vietnamese women "exercised" at the shallow end of the pool. I say exercise in quotations because they did a lot of moving, but it was mostly their mouths. They did kind of shuffle from foot to foot in a bouncing fassion and every once and a while glanced at the instructor. One day I was very early and sat in a beach chair waiting for the fun to start. The group of vietnamese ladies came in and seeing that I was alone, had their form of an intervention. The oldest one was their spokeswoman. Maybe she was the only one who spoke english. I didn't want to inquire. The huddled together and whispered as if I could understand them anyway. The spokesperson stepped forward. "You need see doctor." Okay, I have a lot of health problems, and maybe they noticed my recent problems with a new medicine. "Baby in too long. Must come out." Oh, Lord, please help me.
"I'm not pregnant," I tell them.
They huddle.
The spokesperson steps forward again.
"Oh, yes, baby in too long. Need to see doctor. Go to hospital." She is very serious. The other four women peer at me anxiously. I tell them again that I'm not having a baby. They talk to each other rapidly, frantic that my overdone baby is going to kill me.
"Please see doctor. You have baby. Baby in too long."
They say the third time is a charm, but I still was not feeling pregnant. I tried to make it very clear.
"I've never even had sex!"
They could have been my mother for as much as they believed me.
After one more breif huddle, I was informed.
"You have baby. We know."
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The list just keeps going. I won't tell you about all the times my mom confronted me or the hundreds of store clerks, the most memorable being a manager at walmart that helped me to my car and declared that he hoped to have a big, fat pregnant wife next summer, too. Great!
And the story that made me think of all these others.
Well, first I should say that I haven't lost the weight from having charlie and my boobs are so huge now that when I wear a regular shirt, the front rises up higher then the back by four inches. Yes! My boobs are that huge. Anyway, so sometimes (let's be honest), most times, I am wearing maternity shirts. So everyone asks everyday when my baby is due. Chuck the dear sweet man used to laugh or act offended and inform people there was no baby which just embarrassed who ever asked, me, and any witnesses. So now he just says "not soon enough" and we leave. We can't do that with acquaintances because frankly, in a few months, they will wonder where the baby is and like the vietnamese ladies, have an intervention when they think it has been in too long.
Well at church last thursday a new member asked if I was sure I could watch her two little ones with my little one and the one on the way. She was Korean and there was a language barrier so she didn't understand at first that I was telling her I'm not pregnant, just fat. My friend was standing there looking at me with panic in her eyes and her mouth open to see if I would cry. I started laughing at the whole situation. When the Korean lady finally clued in, she was so embarrassed. She turned purple. I didn't know Korean people could turn purple.

Well, that's a book.
By the way, if you haven't figured it out, I'm not pregnant. If you ask when the baby is due, I'll tell you not soon enough.