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Location: Nebraska

I am living it up in the midwest! I am married to Chuck and we have one child, Charlie, who is 2. That's right! Charlie is 2 and I am going crazy. I watch my little sisters, 7 and 3.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

E is for elephant

I know I'm fat.
All my life, I thought I was fat. I was ashamed and disgusted with myself. My sister Sarah would try to tell me that I was not fat, but she was just being kind. I couldn't fit in her clothes one leg at a time! So I wore baggy clothes and felt like marshmallow man. Then I grew up and really got fat and understood that all those years I had been a fat girl in a good size girl's body.
So why do I see myself as thin now? I know I can't be thin, but I'm amazed when I pick up these huge pairs of pants and they don't fit me. I can't imagine why they wouldn't. If I look in the mirror, I think I look the same as I always have. Maybe a little bigger here or there, but overall the same. But when I go to do things that I used to be able to do, I'm shocked that I can't do them. I tried standing on my head, but couldn't even begin to lift my fat butt off the floor. I'll try to reach under the car seat and either be stopped by my gigantic tummy or when I get out to try a different approach, get stuck between the seat and the dash.
Last Sunday, I was acting out something that had happened in my life with the kids. I was leading them while they were blindfolded. I went to crawl under a table, and I got my big fat butt stuck between the legs. The kids had a great laugh about that, but I wanted to cry. So I laughed, too. I couldn't get it out of my head!
Two days ago, I was filling out a questionnaire to qualify for a sleep study. They wanted to know my BMI (body mass index) I guessed I was about a 33 but used their chart to be sure. When the number came back, I was so upset. 40!!!!!!!!!!!! I went back and saw that I didn't qualify because of that. I prayed there was something wrong with their machine.
Yesterday, I was doing some research for a friend. There was a site that had some useful information for my search and it also had a BMI calculator. I entered my stats. 40 AGAIN!!!!! I looked up what 40 meant.
It's in the worst category. The worst! I'm with the 1000lb man on TV and the 700lb man on Jerry Springer.
I'm an elephant.
aNNa

4 Comments:

Blogger Sarah said...

You're not an elephant. You are a beautiful smart wonderful person who is dealing with the effects that illness and medicine have had on her body. I love you just the way you are. [Long distance hug]

8:09 PM  
Blogger aNNa said...

You're so sweet. I could just eat you up.
hmmmmmm.

7:07 PM  
Blogger Elli said...

No, E is for Excellent Anna. :) I could have written your post. A co-worker has what I used to think was fat body and she looks great...hey, just think we'll wish we had these bodies back in a few years!

4:15 PM  
Blogger aNNa said...

oh, I know! Thanks for your kind words. I hope I don't get any larger, though. Good grief! I'll need a crain to get from here to there!

10:02 PM  

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